doubt

when i was about seven years old i came home from sunday school and excitedly told my mom that i had accepted Jesus into my heart. my mom wearily said “that’s great honey, but you accepted Jesus into your heart three times last week. if you’ve done it once, that’s all you need.”

i vaguely remember feeling let down; why couldn’t she share in this excitement?? i was going to heaven someday! but now looking back, i do remember asking Jesus into my heart on a regular basis; late at night when i was sure there were terrible things lurking under my bed, every Sunday whenever the teacher said that we should all accept Him into our hearts…salvation was pretty much a weekly discovery for me.

even now i am filled with doubt. when i prayed all of those times, did i really mean it? if i’m a Christian, why isn’t life the way it should be? sometimes i’m willfully malicious, i lie, i’m selfish, i don’t give all my money to the poor, i don’t treat my body the way i should, i don’t tell everyone i meet the Good News; i don’t so much stumble, i crash to the ground in ways that cause the earth to rumble. if i were a Christian shouldn’t things be different? wouldn’t i be changing the world? i should be a missionary in some remote region of the globe where no one has heard the gospel, not sitting in a classroom day after day, that’s not what Christians do…over and over again these doubts bombard me like a battering ram.

now here is where this entry gets hectic…and lengthy. i’m going to address some of my doubts, and then give some scripture/literature that shoots these doubts to hell

Argument: if i major in business and enter into a career in the business world, that i am running away from God’s purpose in my life; in other words, the only jobs i can have and still be a Christian are pastor, missionary, or mom

Rebuttal: “For everything created by God is good…”-I Timothy 4:4

“Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…”-Colossians 3:17 Rob Bell quotes these scriptures in Velvet Elvis, and then writes “This is why it is impossible for a Christian to have a secular job. If you follow Jesus and you are doing what you do in his name, then it is no longer secular work; it’s sacred. You are there; God is there. The difference is our awareness.”

God doesn’t need me to go to a foreign country to show the people there that he exists; having that mindset is pure arrogance. God has been there all along. the only thing i would be doing is showing people something that was already there. not to mention the cliche “missions starts in your own backyard.” there is plenty of work to be done right here, right now, important work that shouldn’t be ignored because it doesn’t have the appearance of adventure. also, God can do anything He wants, including using a “secular” job to reach his children who don’t know him yet. His reach cannot be confined.

Argument: God would never choose me to do his work, i have too many shortcomings, no abilities, i’m stuck in sin, etc.

Rebuttal: in Velvet Elvis Rob Bell talks about the process that a rabbi would go through to find disciples in the days of Jesus. he looks at the fact that when he finds Peter, Andrew, James, and John, they are all apprentices to their fathers, learning the family trade of fishing. this is proof that these four men did not make the cut with any other rabbis; they were not smart enough, not holy enough, etc. to be chosen to take on the responsibility and honor of becoming a rabbi’s disciple. they were rejected. they didn’t make the cut. but Jesus saw them and said “follow me.” he saw in them the potential to follow in his footsteps, and to change the world for him.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.”-John 14:12

need i say more?

Argument: if i keep struggling with the same sin, eventually God is going to drop me and i’ll end up in hell, which is really the same as, i never really accepted Christ, all those times i thought i had weren’t genuine, and that’s why i am where i am

Rebuttal 1 (there are a lot of reasons why that argument is crap):

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”-Philippians 1:6

God started something in me the day i became a Christian, and no matter what i do that is outside of God’s purpose for me, He is going to keep working in me until the day that i am called into Heaven.

Rebuttal 2: the writer of Hebrews in chapter 6 uses language that shows how frustrated he is that the people have not gone past the beginning; they run through the motions of having become Christians, but their life bears no fruit. he says that they should be at the point where they are teaching others how to walk in Christ, but instead they are having to be taught the basics of Christianity over and over again. Jesus has walked me past the beginning. i am not the same person i was before i was a Christian, and since i have become a Christian i have continued to grow. all i have to do is read my old journals to see the changes. i don’t need to doubt my salvation because He has already begun to reap fruit in my life, which is the visible sign of a changed life. with the help of Christ i am sometimes capable of speaking truth. none of this is said in arrogance, but honestly sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the good that Christ has done through us, to remind ourselves that we are saved.

Rebuttal 3: tonight at breakaway Ben Stuart talked about how in II Timothy the writer talks about the difference between denying God and being faithless to God. he talked about the night when Jesus was arrested, how there were two men who ran: Judas and Peter. if you looked at just that moment, it would appear that neither one were true Christians. here is where those two mens’ stories take different turns: Judas already had satan in his heart, and denied Jesus as being the Son of God and the savior of men. but Peter went and after denying Jesus three times, wept bitterly and repented. Jesus used Peter to be one of the fathers of the modern church. Judas denied Jesus and so died without salvation. Peter was faithless, but repented and continued his walk with Christ. i am a sinner, but that is not the only thing that i am. i am going to screw up, but i will continue on the path of righteousness because i know that i am saved, and i need to keep aiming upward.

nothin’ much

i miss writing.  i don’t really have anything to say, but i am going to say stuff anyhow.  real deep, huh?

i’m kind of at an in between time in my life right now.  i’m in my second semester of college, and you would think that i would have found my little niche here, but i haven’t.  i thought i had, but really i had created a niche where i didn’t belong.  so now i’m stuck starting from scratch.  pretty intimidating.  but as always, i have hope for the future.

i need to buy a new copy of the chronicles of narnia series.  i had all seven books in one book, but it fell apart.  i miss reading them.  i will have to invest in a hardback set pretty soon.

i read everything is illuminated by jonathan safran foer recently.  i’m still digesting it and haven’t decided if i like it or not, but one line that resonated with me and has been in my mind for a few weeks now is “It was not the Jew, of course, who invented the love poem, but the other way around.”  i don’t mean to be melodramatic, but i am not lying when i tell you that this poem makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up.  sheesh.  what a girl.

i miss choir, so for the past few days i have had the once soundtrack playing and have been singing at the top of my lungs.

i’m reading velvet elvis by rob bell right now.  i feel like a lot of the issues he writes about are relevant to where i’m at.  i’ll will probably expound on some of that soon.

hypocrisy is the status quo

“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.  We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” -Isaiah 64:6

once again, i have come to this blog to express a shortcoming.  i am so frustrated!  with myself, and with those around me.  i am frustrated with myself for being frustrated with those around me.  my frustration is choking me and making me inarticulate.

i know what it means to be a hypocrite.  i know it intimately.  my hypocrisy followed me like peter pan’s shadow year after year, but unlike peter, my hypocrisy was never lost.  honestly i think in some twisted way i found it comforting to know it was always there and would never leave me until i released it.  i was sure i never would set it free because confessing it was infinitely harder than having it tag along, and as long as i kept up the show, no one need ever know that i was being a hypocrite.

when i finally did wake up and became thoroughly disgusted with my hypocrisy, a second thought occurred to me: all Christians are hypocrites; it’s our knowledge of salvation that makes us so.  before you throw a fit, hear me out.  if you look at the definition of a hypocrite, it is said to be someone who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.  our goal as Christians is to flee from sin, yet we still sin.  our preachers teach us what is right, but we still do wrong.  everyday Christians commit adultery, murder, we steal, we lie, we do all things that non-Christians do.  all of us are incapable of a sinless nature, so in striving to follow God and flee from sin, we become hypocrites.  if we didn’t care about what wrongs we committed against God then we would no longer be hypocrites.

so if we are all hypocrites, what gives me the gall to judge others for their hypocrisy?  when i see others doing things that they know are wrong over and over again, i am filled with a righteous indignation.  righteous?  who am i kidding?!  it’s really a self-righteous indignation.  who am i to judge?

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.  this was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.”-Romans 3:23-25

i am no better than those i condemn.  i am no better than those i condemn.  i am no better than those i condemn.  Father, let that be my mantra.  help me strive to show “divine forbearance” to my brothers and sisters.  make me the least of these.  strangle my judgment at the source.

words

it’s amazing how i can’t remember hardly anything i learned last semester in school, but i still remember what someone said in the third grade that hurt me so badly. i wonder what it is in humans that makes us hold on to the things that hurt the most, while the more useful things find the emergency exit in our memory banks. i realized tonight that i don’t often use sweet words, but i want to learn to. i want every word out of my mouth to bring glory to God and refreshment to those around me. sarcasm for the sake of humor is so incredibly hurtful, and i should know that by now after being on the receiving end myself, but somehow i lose sight of what’s appropriate to joke about. unintentional or not, hurting someone for a laugh is inexcusable, and i pray that i won’t do it again.

God is love

“Love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be a god; which of course can be re-stated in the form ‘begins to be a demon the moment he begins to be a god.’ This balance seems to me an indispensable safeguard. If we ignore it, the truth that God is love may slyly come to mean for us the converse, that love is God.”-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

i don’t remember if i heard this phrase in a movie, or read it in a book, but i believe it is a characteristic that can be attributed to most young women: “in love with love.” i look up above my desk and see that my personal movie collection is primarily made up of “chick flicks.” sure, there are a few movies like harry potter, snatch, fight club, and the boondock saints that break the mold, but for the most part, the movies i own are all about love. is that healthy? i’m beginning to wonder. i am afraid that maybe they make me discontent. for the most part i am happy to be in my own skin: that is to say, i am content in my circumstances. but sometimes after watching a soppy girl movie i become depressed and discontent. i begin to wish for a once prideful british man to overcome my prejudices and sweep me off my feet (guess what movie i’m referencing). i’m pretty sure that God is not for depression and discontent. i whole heartedly believe that God is love, but i think i often become confused and treat love as a god, seeking after it as eagerly as i try to seek after God.

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem…that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases”-Song of Solomon 3:5

i think a belated new year’s resolution is to maybe cut back on the amount of chick flicks i watch, and to not let what chick flicks i do watch get me down. i don’t want to go chasing after love, i want love to find me exactly when and where God intends it to.

glory

“The Scotch catechism says that man’s chief end is ‘to glorify God and enjoy him forever.’  But we shall then know that these are the same thing.  Fully to enjoy is fully to glorify.  In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him.”-C.S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

oh happy thought: glorifying God need no longer be viewed as a chore.  today in church the pastor related our relationship to our heavenly Father to our relationship with our earthly father.  he said that if we only spent an hour a week with our earthly father, it might be a beautiful hour but we probably wouldn’t have very meaningful relationships.  in the same way, if we only go to church once a week for one hour, and never devote any more time to our relationships with God, then how meaningful is that relationship going to be?  and who would only want to spend one hour a week glorifying God when glorifying God is synonymous with enjoying Him?  shouldn’t we want to enjoy Him at all times, in as many ways as possible?  if that is the case, then quiet times with God are plainly not just another check on the to-do list, but rather a gift offered each day that would be foolish to refuse.

Oh the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all

-David Crowder, “The Glory of it All”

darling

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life)the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love

-e.e. cummings

the thing that intrigues me most about this poem (perhaps beside the interesting meter…or lack there of?) is the use of the word “darling.” there is something so intimate about the word, and yet when you try to define it, all meaning is lost. webster says that “darling” is an affectionate or familiar term of address, but when you think of the connotation of darling, this definition just does not begin to describe. obviously, darling is used to describe or address someone who is loved. so if the bible uses the word love, or some form of it about 100 times, i kind of have the idea that God views us as his darlings. i like that idea. i also like the idea of God having a british accent, so that when he calls me darling it sounds like “dahling.” hmmmm…what a thought.

p.s. carin-thank you for sharing this poem with me!

the valley/changes

the valley-

it’s easy to love God on vacation. when you are getting plenty of sleep, and there is no stress caused by school, job, or the opposite sex, God just appears a lot more attractive. it’s even easier to love God on a church retreat. when you are surrounded by other Christians, you are listening to meaningful music, and you are able to commune with nature without the distractions experienced in everyday life, God just seems so much closer. but what happens when we come back to the real world? when i was younger i would go on these weekend retreats with my church, experience the usual “Jesus high”, come back and live with that connection with God for a couple of days, and then the illusion would fade and i would return to chasing my own selfish desires. towards the end of my high school career i didn’t even bother with the “Jesus high”…i knew what was in store for me when i returned home and i was sick of my own hypocrisy, so i ignored God’s presence.

i think you know what i’m talking about. it is commonly referred to as the mountain top to valley situation. we go take a break from reality, and experience God in this tangible way. when we go up on stage for open mic night we express our ambition to make this retreat unlike all those preceding: to go home and stay on the mountain top. but you can’t argue with physics: what goes up must come down. we lose our fervor by getting distracted. “i will catch up on my bible reading tomorrow, but right now i have GOT to get some more sleep”; “God, i can’t talk right now, i have to do my homework, i will drop in for a chat tomorrow”. thus we descend into the valley (the most despised spiritual stage), where we let the cares of this world take free reign.

i used to think there was no escape from valley experiences, but now i am not even sure that we should look for escape. if we can’t spend our whole life on church retreat or vacation, i think we need to learn to embrace the valley, and see the beauty that can be found there. from now on i want to learn to use the valley for a period of reflection and growth. i want to keep in plain sight the wonderful things that God has shown me and done for me on the mountain top. i want to spend the rest of my life learning to quench my thirst with the Word. i want to learn how to satisfy my hunger with study and devotion. when i experience a “Jesus high” i will praise God, but i need to learn to praise God a little closer to home as well. i think this is possible if we learn to accept the fact that we will be faced with endless distractions and temptations, refuse to lose sight of God regardless. God is not going to shield us from the worries of this world, so we have to find a way to descend into the valley without losing sight of the mountain top.

(please excuse my extended metaphor)

/

changes-

i am an irregular journal writer. for instance, i’ve written three entries tonight, but in all likelihood will remain silent for a month. however, on january 1st i decided to go back and read my personal journal that i have been working to fill for the past two years. many things have not changed: i am still that same girl who loves to read (specifically harry potter and the chronicles of narnia); i am still growing into myself, trying to learn who i am and what i want; i still have a passion for travel; i am still prone to worry. however, praise God, many things have changed. i think that this is the power of Christ in me.

“If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” -II Corinthians 5:17

what worries keep you up at night? are they selfish cares? because i think that once we experience salvation that these things cease to upset our peace of mind the way they did before Christ. i think what salvation does is it removes all of our former desires and worries and replaces them with God’s desires and worries.

“if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. and if i have prophetic powers, and understand all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give away all i have, and if i deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, i am nothing.” -I Corinthians 13:1-3

i don’t speak in tongues, i don’t have prophetic powers, i don’t understand all mysteries, i don’t have all faith, i have not given away all that i have, and i have not delivered up my body to be burned. where does that leave me? i think it leaves me with a clear calling to pursue love, and more importantly to love others with a love that is patient and kind, that does not envy or boast, that is not arrogant or rude, that doesn’t insist on its own way. love that is not irritable or resentful, that doesn’t rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. (paraphrase of I Corinthians 13:4-7)

beauty in depravity

“I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.” -Romans 7:15-20

“For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” -Romans 7:22-25

i am tired. more than that i am weary, right to my very bones. i know what is right. i see the ways that God has changed my life. i know beyond doubt that he has seen the wretchedness of a daughter, had compassion, reached his hand down from the heavens, and turned me around from destruction. in thousands of moments i have accepted His grace and prayed for change, and in the next moment i have rejected his forgiveness and spat in His face. what is the limit for how many times i can piss off God? when does the mean kid with the magnifying glass come out and burn this ant? as angry as i am with my own inconsistency, i CAN NOT reject God: i’ve told the “empty cosmos” several times in angry tones that i was finished…i’m tired of being a hypocrite: holding myself and others to such high standards that are impossible to meet, and which only produce guilt when fallen short of. yet time and again i’m brought back to the fact that this world can’t be all there is. i’ve seen one-of-a-kind sunsets, flowers that couldn’t be created by human imagination, selflessness kick in over ambition, and i can’t help but believe that there is a merciful God behind all these things.

alright, so there is a God. so why do i keep messing everything up? i acknowledge my sin, so why can’t i conquer it? i think this is where Paul accurately assesses the human condition in Romans:7. there is nothing within me that is good. all that is good is in Christ Jesus who lives within me. so how can i presume to conquer sin through my own power? this is pure folly! restoration occurs through the blood of Christ, and nothing else, and tangible proof of restoration is the desire, no, more than that, the irrefutable calling to embody the Word in every aspect of my life, and to spread the Good News.

so why “beauty in depravity”? because i know that i am not perfect; nor will i ever be. but God willing, i will flee from sin with all the speed and agility that Christ provides. i will turn a blind eye to satan’s temptation because i live with the hope of something so much better to come. i will fall short of the glory of God countless times, but i will pursue the path that leads to eternal life.

no guilt in life, no fear in death

this is the power of Christ in me

from life’s first cry, to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

no power of hell, no scheme of man

can ever pluck me from his hand

’till he returns, or calls me home

here in the power of Christ i’ll stand