psalm 103, revisited

“bless the Lord, o my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!  bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.  

the Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.  he made known his ways to moses, his acts to the people of Israel.  the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.  he will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever.  he does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.  for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.  as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.  for he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

as for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more, but the steadfast love of the lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.  the Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.  bless the Lord, o you his angels, the mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word!  

bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will!  bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion, bless the Lord, o my soul!” -103rd Psalm

Daddy, i know that you have blessings to pour on me throughout my life; you have already forgiven me of my endless iniquity and redeemed my life from the pit.  i doubt not your steadfast love.  

now, when i feel my life is once again on the brink of the pit, help me remember that i am finite; i have come from dust and and while you breathe life into me i am made to stand, but i will not stand forever.  neither will my pain.  

for a moment i feel my iniquity cling to me with death’s grip.  i know that you remove it as far from me as the poles of the earth are from each other.  i am weak and easily tempted, but i strive to keep your covenant; help me in my struggle.  

i don’t have the right words, but i will bless your name with all that is in me until the day i die.  you are my savior, my father, my mother, my lover, my friend.  you meet all of my needs in every way, and save me from the pain.

the nature of a broken heart

I’ve neglected this blog for so long that I doubt anyone will even check it to see if I’ve written anything new.  It doesn’t really matter I suppose.  What else am I going to do on a Wednesday night when I’m feeling pensive and melancholy?  Catch up on reading for accounting?  Not so much. 

Being a rather morbid and melodramatic person, I’ve always considered what it would feel like to break my heart.  It turns out that I can feel the fractures.  Splinters dig into various other organs throughout the day.  Sometimes I wonder if they will pierce the skin.  I find myself observing my symptoms with a doctor’s cold detachment.  It doesn’t surprise me that I can no longer listen to certain songs on the radio without a painful, throbbing reminder of my illness.  The fact that I feel as if I’m bleeding internally and it could, should kill me at any moment doesn’t phase me.  There are some symptoms that I expected along with a few that surprise me.  I had an idea that I would lose sleep and feel nauseous.  The amnesia, however, is startling.  To forget how I came to be at a place, or to go to the grocery store and then forget what I came for is making me appear senile.  I have repeatedly sat down to read a book, only to find after a time that I have been making my eyes scan the pages for a time without taking in the meaning of a single word.  Heart break is full of surprises.  

There are so many “church words” that have ceased to have a meaning from overuse.  They have instead become cliches used in any offhand way, instead of standing for the beautiful ideas they were created to represent.  For instance, take the word “fulfill.”  Webster says that it means “to make full.”   Thank you Webster for the awesome insight.  How does that tiny definition encompass all that it means when it says in Psalm 138:8 that “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me”?  God is taking my painful circumstances and using them to develop the full potential of the plans that he made for me before time began.  

Webster also takes power away from the word “sustain” when assigns the definition “to give support to.”  Paul assures the Corinthians in his first letter to the Christians there, saying that the Lord Jesus Christ will “sustain you to the end.”  What a weak assurance that would be if we took poor Webster’s definition into account.  Paul is telling the people of Corinth that there is a man who will meet every one of our needs, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, remaining faithful forever.

God is not merely putting me through the refining fire.  He made the fire and He is making the journey with me.  I know that when I emerge on the other side (and I know I will emerge because there is a cure for even a broken heart) I will be the better for it because I will not have to depend on anything else in this life other than the love of Christ to fulfill or sustain me.  

My heart hurts a little less already.