return, heart

i seem to be missing empathy, passion, and peace. my smile, when it appears, is more a pained grimace; i can’t seem to remember to let it reach my eyes. it’s probably for the best, since recently i have realized that smiling requires too much energy. my laugh is no longer living near the surface, eagerly waiting for any excuse to bubble over. the replacement for these lost emotions is the knot of worry that never leaves, but rather flares up throughout the day. i feel as though my heart struggles to beat; it becomes more painful as each day passes. i am quick to anger, prone to jealousy, self-pity, and despair. my emptiness is akin to homesickness, yet going home heals nothing. i have become a malcontent, living in desperate hope of future happiness, consequently finding myself at the end of each day wondering where it has gone. return, heart, and bring me to myself once more.

…

i started to publish this post, but found myself unable to proceed in good conscience. i have asked my heart to return, but my heart has no more power to return to me than a flower has the power to return to its original seed. in reality my heart is not missing; it is not an absence of the organ that causes so much pain. i ache, but not for my home. i ache for a sense of the infinite. somewhere inside me is the Spirit who calls my heart His home. my problem is i have ignored Him, denied Him. in that sense, my pain is self-inflicted. my inward aimed pity is misplaced, wasted.

Father, i acknowledge your Spirit’s home in my heart. please continue building it up until it consumes my whole heart and not just the pitiful allotment i have painstakingly and foolishly walled off. i ask that you not restore myself as i was, but instead continue working in me that i may become who You have intended.