outcasts

“One day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his people and looked on their burdens, and he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his people. He looked this way and that, and seeing no one, he struck down the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.”-Exodus 2:11-12

“But Moses said to the LORD, ‘Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.”-Exodus 4:10

moses was a murderer and had a speech impediment. yet when moses expressed his concerns over being chosen to lead God’s children out of slavery and into the land that God had promised abraham, isaac, and jacob, God simply told moses that He would teach him the words to say.

a few years ago i attended a disciple now where the theme was “may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi”. in the past couple of weeks, this phrase has become vitally important. in Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell explains what this phrase means. he says that in the time of Jesus, education for a Hebrew boy began around the age of 6, where boys would spend 4 years memorizing the Torah, or the first 5 books of what Christians know as the Old Testament. at the age of 10 you went one of two places: to the next stage of your education, or home to learn the family trade. if you went further in schooling, for the next 4 years you spent your time memorizing the rest of the books in the Bible: Genesis through Malachi. theses boys had memorized, verbatim, 39 books. but memorizing the Old Testament was not the only thing you did; you also learned the oral tradition surrounding all of the texts: what other rabbis said about every single verse. mountains upon mountains of information. at this point, only the best students remained. the next step was to find a rabbi to be a disciple to. if a student applied to a rabbi, the rabbi would grill them with questions, and if the student was found insufficient, then the rabbi would send the student home to start a life doing whatever his father had done. if, however, the student made the cut, then the rabbi would say “come, follow me”. being covered in the dust of your rabbi means that a disciple would follow anywhere and everywhere the rabbi went, hoping to learn everything the rabbi has to teach, and at the end of a long day walking through the dust, would literally be covered in the dust that the rabbi’s feet had kicked up.

“While walking by the Sea of Galilee, he [Jesus] saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And he said to them, ‘Follow me, an I will make you fishers of men.’ Immediately they left their nets and followed him.”-Matthew 4:18-20

“And going on from there he saw two brothers, James the son of Zebedee and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets, and he called them. Immediately they left their boat and their father and followed him.”-Matthew 4:21-22

peter, andrew, james, and john were all fishermen when Jesus offered them the chance to follow him as his disciples. these boys had all been turned away from the higher levels of education, and had gone home to learn the trade of their fathers which was fishing. they didn’t make the cut. they weren’t smart enough, or Godly enough, etc. but Jesus saw them, and made them part of the core of his revolution. a movement that has changed the world, and has lasted for about 2,000 years.

a couple of weeks ago i played rockband for the first time. i sang maps by the yeah yeah yeahs. despite 14 years of choir experience, despite having sung in countless concerts and on national television, despite the fact that i was only singing in front of about 10 people at the time, as soon as i was done my hands were shaking and i had broken into an intense cold sweat. i have irrational stage fright. and yet this summer i aired my dirty laundry in front of hundreds of strangers. where is the logic in that?

time and time again, God has called the outcasts. this blows my mind.

“Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity…”-Hebrews 6:1

God calls us all to be teachers. anyone who has experienced the transformation that acceptance of the Gospel provides should be sharing that transformation with others. none of us are good enough, wise enough, Godly enough in our own eyes, but we have been trusted with this task and we need to stop running from it. we are the outcasts, and God has chosen us.

if we know that God chooses the outcasts, then that also means that none among the church should be made to feel like outcasts. you and i need to stop criticizing what so-and-so wore to church on Sunday. we need to look beyond who this person hung out with on saturday night. more importantly, none among our potential brothers and sisters should be made to feel like outcasts. what is on the surface should not be how we define other people. we all matter, regardless of our faults and insecurities. the so-called “alcoholic” who sits next to you in lab could be the next billy graham. the “slut” on the bus could be the next anne lamott. go beyond the elementary and continue on to maturity.

food

today was a very hard day. i cried a lot. but then i ate my emotions in the form of a cheeseburger the size of my face, had a very heated (and one-sided) conversation with satan in my car, listened to john mayer, and i feel SO MUCH BETTER.

i’m not advocating suffocating your emotions with food. but i’m not gonna lie, this one time, i couldn’t believe how effective it was! and i normally don’t talk out loud to satan either, but i was definitely feeling personally attacked, and despite the fact that i might be insane now, it was very therapeutic. i don’t think i have to explain why i listened to john mayer, or why it made me feel better. but now i’m ready for a brand new day. mmmmmm that cheeseburger was GOOD.

my favorite word

i really like words. big meaty words that i can sink my teeth into. supercilious. serendipity. immutable. propitiation. but i think my favorite word is fortuitous, an adjective that describes something as happening by a lucky chance. this might seem like an odd word for me to like so much, considering that i don’t believe in luck or chance. i know that there is a Guiding Hand to life, who is much too invested in what is going on to leave anything up to chance. i can’t explain this anomaly, but i feel like so much of this past weekend was fortuitous. i feel like so much of my life has been fortuitous. this weekend i spent time with two people that i don’t see on a regular basis, and the visits were so fruitful and beautiful that it just makes me start to think of how God must smile with indulgence and a tinge of sadness to see His children down here talking about luck and chance after we have experienced something holy and ordained.  i think that God must love to surprise us with little things like i experienced this weekend and watch as we think back in awe: i could never have orchestrated or even imagined the wonderful things that just happened.

doubt

when i was about seven years old i came home from sunday school and excitedly told my mom that i had accepted Jesus into my heart. my mom wearily said “that’s great honey, but you accepted Jesus into your heart three times last week. if you’ve done it once, that’s all you need.”

i vaguely remember feeling let down; why couldn’t she share in this excitement?? i was going to heaven someday! but now looking back, i do remember asking Jesus into my heart on a regular basis; late at night when i was sure there were terrible things lurking under my bed, every Sunday whenever the teacher said that we should all accept Him into our hearts…salvation was pretty much a weekly discovery for me.

even now i am filled with doubt. when i prayed all of those times, did i really mean it? if i’m a Christian, why isn’t life the way it should be? sometimes i’m willfully malicious, i lie, i’m selfish, i don’t give all my money to the poor, i don’t treat my body the way i should, i don’t tell everyone i meet the Good News; i don’t so much stumble, i crash to the ground in ways that cause the earth to rumble. if i were a Christian shouldn’t things be different? wouldn’t i be changing the world? i should be a missionary in some remote region of the globe where no one has heard the gospel, not sitting in a classroom day after day, that’s not what Christians do…over and over again these doubts bombard me like a battering ram.

now here is where this entry gets hectic…and lengthy. i’m going to address some of my doubts, and then give some scripture/literature that shoots these doubts to hell

Argument: if i major in business and enter into a career in the business world, that i am running away from God’s purpose in my life; in other words, the only jobs i can have and still be a Christian are pastor, missionary, or mom

Rebuttal: “For everything created by God is good…”-I Timothy 4:4

“Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus…”-Colossians 3:17 Rob Bell quotes these scriptures in Velvet Elvis, and then writes “This is why it is impossible for a Christian to have a secular job. If you follow Jesus and you are doing what you do in his name, then it is no longer secular work; it’s sacred. You are there; God is there. The difference is our awareness.”

God doesn’t need me to go to a foreign country to show the people there that he exists; having that mindset is pure arrogance. God has been there all along. the only thing i would be doing is showing people something that was already there. not to mention the cliche “missions starts in your own backyard.” there is plenty of work to be done right here, right now, important work that shouldn’t be ignored because it doesn’t have the appearance of adventure. also, God can do anything He wants, including using a “secular” job to reach his children who don’t know him yet. His reach cannot be confined.

Argument: God would never choose me to do his work, i have too many shortcomings, no abilities, i’m stuck in sin, etc.

Rebuttal: in Velvet Elvis Rob Bell talks about the process that a rabbi would go through to find disciples in the days of Jesus. he looks at the fact that when he finds Peter, Andrew, James, and John, they are all apprentices to their fathers, learning the family trade of fishing. this is proof that these four men did not make the cut with any other rabbis; they were not smart enough, not holy enough, etc. to be chosen to take on the responsibility and honor of becoming a rabbi’s disciple. they were rejected. they didn’t make the cut. but Jesus saw them and said “follow me.” he saw in them the potential to follow in his footsteps, and to change the world for him.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.”-John 14:12

need i say more?

Argument: if i keep struggling with the same sin, eventually God is going to drop me and i’ll end up in hell, which is really the same as, i never really accepted Christ, all those times i thought i had weren’t genuine, and that’s why i am where i am

Rebuttal 1 (there are a lot of reasons why that argument is crap):

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”-Philippians 1:6

God started something in me the day i became a Christian, and no matter what i do that is outside of God’s purpose for me, He is going to keep working in me until the day that i am called into Heaven.

Rebuttal 2: the writer of Hebrews in chapter 6 uses language that shows how frustrated he is that the people have not gone past the beginning; they run through the motions of having become Christians, but their life bears no fruit. he says that they should be at the point where they are teaching others how to walk in Christ, but instead they are having to be taught the basics of Christianity over and over again. Jesus has walked me past the beginning. i am not the same person i was before i was a Christian, and since i have become a Christian i have continued to grow. all i have to do is read my old journals to see the changes. i don’t need to doubt my salvation because He has already begun to reap fruit in my life, which is the visible sign of a changed life. with the help of Christ i am sometimes capable of speaking truth. none of this is said in arrogance, but honestly sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the good that Christ has done through us, to remind ourselves that we are saved.

Rebuttal 3: tonight at breakaway Ben Stuart talked about how in II Timothy the writer talks about the difference between denying God and being faithless to God. he talked about the night when Jesus was arrested, how there were two men who ran: Judas and Peter. if you looked at just that moment, it would appear that neither one were true Christians. here is where those two mens’ stories take different turns: Judas already had satan in his heart, and denied Jesus as being the Son of God and the savior of men. but Peter went and after denying Jesus three times, wept bitterly and repented. Jesus used Peter to be one of the fathers of the modern church. Judas denied Jesus and so died without salvation. Peter was faithless, but repented and continued his walk with Christ. i am a sinner, but that is not the only thing that i am. i am going to screw up, but i will continue on the path of righteousness because i know that i am saved, and i need to keep aiming upward.

nothin’ much

i miss writing.  i don’t really have anything to say, but i am going to say stuff anyhow.  real deep, huh?

i’m kind of at an in between time in my life right now.  i’m in my second semester of college, and you would think that i would have found my little niche here, but i haven’t.  i thought i had, but really i had created a niche where i didn’t belong.  so now i’m stuck starting from scratch.  pretty intimidating.  but as always, i have hope for the future.

i need to buy a new copy of the chronicles of narnia series.  i had all seven books in one book, but it fell apart.  i miss reading them.  i will have to invest in a hardback set pretty soon.

i read everything is illuminated by jonathan safran foer recently.  i’m still digesting it and haven’t decided if i like it or not, but one line that resonated with me and has been in my mind for a few weeks now is “It was not the Jew, of course, who invented the love poem, but the other way around.”  i don’t mean to be melodramatic, but i am not lying when i tell you that this poem makes my heart ache and my eyes tear up.  sheesh.  what a girl.

i miss choir, so for the past few days i have had the once soundtrack playing and have been singing at the top of my lungs.

i’m reading velvet elvis by rob bell right now.  i feel like a lot of the issues he writes about are relevant to where i’m at.  i’ll will probably expound on some of that soon.

hypocrisy is the status quo

“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.  We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.” -Isaiah 64:6

once again, i have come to this blog to express a shortcoming.  i am so frustrated!  with myself, and with those around me.  i am frustrated with myself for being frustrated with those around me.  my frustration is choking me and making me inarticulate.

i know what it means to be a hypocrite.  i know it intimately.  my hypocrisy followed me like peter pan’s shadow year after year, but unlike peter, my hypocrisy was never lost.  honestly i think in some twisted way i found it comforting to know it was always there and would never leave me until i released it.  i was sure i never would set it free because confessing it was infinitely harder than having it tag along, and as long as i kept up the show, no one need ever know that i was being a hypocrite.

when i finally did wake up and became thoroughly disgusted with my hypocrisy, a second thought occurred to me: all Christians are hypocrites; it’s our knowledge of salvation that makes us so.  before you throw a fit, hear me out.  if you look at the definition of a hypocrite, it is said to be someone who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.  our goal as Christians is to flee from sin, yet we still sin.  our preachers teach us what is right, but we still do wrong.  everyday Christians commit adultery, murder, we steal, we lie, we do all things that non-Christians do.  all of us are incapable of a sinless nature, so in striving to follow God and flee from sin, we become hypocrites.  if we didn’t care about what wrongs we committed against God then we would no longer be hypocrites.

so if we are all hypocrites, what gives me the gall to judge others for their hypocrisy?  when i see others doing things that they know are wrong over and over again, i am filled with a righteous indignation.  righteous?  who am i kidding?!  it’s really a self-righteous indignation.  who am i to judge?

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.  this was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.”-Romans 3:23-25

i am no better than those i condemn.  i am no better than those i condemn.  i am no better than those i condemn.  Father, let that be my mantra.  help me strive to show “divine forbearance” to my brothers and sisters.  make me the least of these.  strangle my judgment at the source.

words

it’s amazing how i can’t remember hardly anything i learned last semester in school, but i still remember what someone said in the third grade that hurt me so badly. i wonder what it is in humans that makes us hold on to the things that hurt the most, while the more useful things find the emergency exit in our memory banks. i realized tonight that i don’t often use sweet words, but i want to learn to. i want every word out of my mouth to bring glory to God and refreshment to those around me. sarcasm for the sake of humor is so incredibly hurtful, and i should know that by now after being on the receiving end myself, but somehow i lose sight of what’s appropriate to joke about. unintentional or not, hurting someone for a laugh is inexcusable, and i pray that i won’t do it again.

God is love

“Love ceases to be a demon only when he ceases to be a god; which of course can be re-stated in the form ‘begins to be a demon the moment he begins to be a god.’ This balance seems to me an indispensable safeguard. If we ignore it, the truth that God is love may slyly come to mean for us the converse, that love is God.”-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

i don’t remember if i heard this phrase in a movie, or read it in a book, but i believe it is a characteristic that can be attributed to most young women: “in love with love.” i look up above my desk and see that my personal movie collection is primarily made up of “chick flicks.” sure, there are a few movies like harry potter, snatch, fight club, and the boondock saints that break the mold, but for the most part, the movies i own are all about love. is that healthy? i’m beginning to wonder. i am afraid that maybe they make me discontent. for the most part i am happy to be in my own skin: that is to say, i am content in my circumstances. but sometimes after watching a soppy girl movie i become depressed and discontent. i begin to wish for a once prideful british man to overcome my prejudices and sweep me off my feet (guess what movie i’m referencing). i’m pretty sure that God is not for depression and discontent. i whole heartedly believe that God is love, but i think i often become confused and treat love as a god, seeking after it as eagerly as i try to seek after God.

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem…that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases”-Song of Solomon 3:5

i think a belated new year’s resolution is to maybe cut back on the amount of chick flicks i watch, and to not let what chick flicks i do watch get me down. i don’t want to go chasing after love, i want love to find me exactly when and where God intends it to.

glory

“The Scotch catechism says that man’s chief end is ‘to glorify God and enjoy him forever.’  But we shall then know that these are the same thing.  Fully to enjoy is fully to glorify.  In commanding us to glorify Him, God is inviting us to enjoy Him.”-C.S. Lewis, Reflections on the Psalms

oh happy thought: glorifying God need no longer be viewed as a chore.  today in church the pastor related our relationship to our heavenly Father to our relationship with our earthly father.  he said that if we only spent an hour a week with our earthly father, it might be a beautiful hour but we probably wouldn’t have very meaningful relationships.  in the same way, if we only go to church once a week for one hour, and never devote any more time to our relationships with God, then how meaningful is that relationship going to be?  and who would only want to spend one hour a week glorifying God when glorifying God is synonymous with enjoying Him?  shouldn’t we want to enjoy Him at all times, in as many ways as possible?  if that is the case, then quiet times with God are plainly not just another check on the to-do list, but rather a gift offered each day that would be foolish to refuse.

Oh the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all

-David Crowder, “The Glory of it All”

darling

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

i love you much(most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

-sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life)the true time of year-

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing(or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each

nearness)everyone certainly would(my
most beautiful darling)believe in nothing but love

-e.e. cummings

the thing that intrigues me most about this poem (perhaps beside the interesting meter…or lack there of?) is the use of the word “darling.” there is something so intimate about the word, and yet when you try to define it, all meaning is lost. webster says that “darling” is an affectionate or familiar term of address, but when you think of the connotation of darling, this definition just does not begin to describe. obviously, darling is used to describe or address someone who is loved. so if the bible uses the word love, or some form of it about 100 times, i kind of have the idea that God views us as his darlings. i like that idea. i also like the idea of God having a british accent, so that when he calls me darling it sounds like “dahling.” hmmmm…what a thought.

p.s. carin-thank you for sharing this poem with me!